Goodbyes
I don't lose things, I have earrings given to me when I was sixteen, I still have the same dry cleaner, the same house for 30 years, but I seem to be saying good bye a lot lately. I am in the car business it seems, as I returned my Lexus at lease end. It strange to look outside and only see The Solara and now my new car parked in front. The Black Buick is gone, the red Toyota is gone, and now the Lexus.
I remember the December day when I got the car. Seymour was at Cedars getting an MRI. The dealer was anxious to conclude the transaction and brought the car to the Emergency room, where we signed papers and I drove Seymour home in a new car.
Since that date the car was involved in driving Judah to the City of Hope for his infusions, and his appointment, and of course, his last trip which I remember vividly. The long drive on the 10 freeway to the 60, and then the final stretch thru the 605. This five mile segment is one of the most depressing in the world. Trucks rumble by at high speeds spewing forth black smoke, the scenery is a landscape of rock, gravel and quarry pits, with billboards announcing Rose Hills latest offering in Memorialization reminding us that this is the time that the BEST is what is right, and then followed by the sign to the City of Hope. Judah , who usually talked a storm was quiet, he just looked out the window, hunched his shoulders, and pulled his zip up grey sweater around him. We knew the routine, his pillows were in the trunk, but this time he did not take his books to read, he just took his Siddur his Chumash and the IPOD that you gave him.
I don't lose things, but I lost him.
posted by The Whites @ 6:09 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
It is amazing...what we remember, where those memories lead...the associations we make to people, places and things. We all remember Judah. I have reread parts of this blog, and it is remarkable the memories that people have shared about Judah-his car, his time in Israel, and his relationships.
It is so sad that he is lost to us physically. Hopefully, he'll remain 'found' in our memories and dreams.
Our thoughts are always with you-
Lisa and Gary Lainer
No. No.
You did not lose him.. If anything you held onto him as tightly as possible.
Your nurturing added years to Judah's life and years to Seymour's life.
But like with the cars and other physical things that you are currently saying good-bye to, nothing lasts forever.
How we all wish that the outcome had turned out better, but it didn't, and that was not for lack of effort, care, concern, interest and love on your part.
You did EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING to save their lives. I am sure that if you could have given your own life in exchange, you would have.
If anything, you could be, you should be, proud of the way that you conducted yourself throughout.
It seems that you have a tremendous capacity for caregiving and healing. Perhaps turn a little bit of that caregiving and healing energy inwards and heal your own wounds. You have suffered a tremendous, irreplaceable loss which is a fact written in stone.
You did your best. Your absolute best. And not only was your best outstanding, it was marvelous. The sad fact is that Medicine just couldn't catch up fast enough and that the cancer won the race. Not one bit of the final outcome was your fault.
You can be proud and stand tall with your head erect. Martha, please get better and then devote some of your incredible energy to continuing Judah's work on earth.
Love, Robby
You also never lost hope that Judah would recover. And though he didn't, your hope and prayers probably kept him going a little longer.
Love, Mara
Martha, please stay strong. You must feel so alone right now, especially at home where you did not live alone for those 30 years. Please know that all of us are around you always, emotionally if not physically. Please let us help you. We are here for you.
Jill Franklin
May the beautiful sentiments and love that is shared on this blogger help lift your spirits in the way Judah would want, Martha. We think of him, you, Issy and Ben every day - love, Paul & Family
This should probably be taped to our mirrors where we can read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true, and definitely worth reminding ourselves - esp at a time of loss ....
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you receive and forget about the rude remarks.
So............try sending this to everyone,
And always remember....when life hands you lemons, get some tequila and salt and have yourself a party.
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