Eight weeks today and I will always be counting.Judah visited last night as we sang kiddush. The Sabbath candles flickered at Shalom Alechem. He loved that melody. The motzei was accompanied by a jingle in English, "We give thanks as our prayer is humble said..." This would annoy him no end. It became a family tease. We still sing it and see Judah cringe and express his disapproval of such a childish ditty. Such are the memories, complex, rich, textured.Judah loved satsuma tangerines, and we planted a tree last year which fruits by Sukkot. It's still young and small giving three or four dozen tangerines. It's a battle with the squirrels to see who is going to get to eat the fruit. If I pick them when they still are green, they are not so sweet, if I leave them to ripen, the squirrels (three of them) think its an open invitation to dine. I have tried to invite them to eat at my neighbors but they seem to prefer Kosher food.Pixie had to go on a post shiva diet. She got used to handouts of bagels, corned beef, and fresh fruit. Dog food does not appeal to her. Last night when we went for a walk, a car went by, she picked up her ears and started to look as if she was expecting someone. Since Alissa and Benji were inside I asked her "Judah?" she wagged her tail and then looked disappointed when the car continued on its way.We miss him so much.Love to you all,Martha

Eight Weeks

Eight weeks today and I will always be counting.

Judah visited last night as we sang kiddush. The Sabbath candles flickered at Shalom Alechem. He loved that melody. The motzei was accompanied by a jingle in English, "We give thanks as our prayer is humble said..." This would annoy him no end. It became a family tease. We still sing it and see Judah cringe and express his disapproval of such a childish ditty. Such are the memories, complex, rich, textured.

Judah loved satsuma tangerines, and we planted a tree last year which fruits by Sukkot. It's still young and small giving three or four dozen tangerines. It's a battle with the squirrels to see who is going to get to eat the fruit. If I pick them when they still are green, they are not so sweet, if I leave them to ripen, the squirrels (three of them) think its an open invitation to dine. I have tried to invite them to eat at my neighbors but they seem to prefer Kosher food.

Pixie had to go on a post shiva diet. She got used to handouts of bagels, corned beef, and fresh fruit. Dog food does not appeal to her. Last night when we went for a walk, a car went by, she picked up her ears and started to look as if she was expecting someone. Since Alissa and Benji were inside I asked her "Judah?" she wagged her tail and then looked disappointed when the car continued on its way.

We miss him so much.

Love to you all,

Martha

Seven Weeks

I've been visiting friends Sukkahs as well sitting in our own Sukkah. To quote Michael Berenbaum, there is the absence of presence and the presence of absence. Judah is missing, and Judah is here at the same time. The sukkah was his place to leisurely read the newspaper, gather himself together to go to services and have his friends come over for a meal. He would take the lulov and estrog, use the old siddur that Benji got from Akiba in the second grade.Seven weeks, 49 days, an endless gap between then and now.Martha

Seven Weeks

I've been visiting friends Sukkahs as well sitting in our own Sukkah. To quote Michael Berenbaum, there is the absence of presence and the presence of absence. Judah is missing, and Judah is here at the same time. The sukkah was his place to leisurely read the newspaper, gather himself together to go to services and have his friends come over for a meal. He would take the lulov and estrog, use the old siddur that Benji got from Akiba in the second grade.

Seven weeks, 49 days, an endless gap between then and now.


Martha

Shabbat was six weeks

Shabbat marked six weeks since Judah died. Tomorrow is Sukkot. As Benji said, this holiday is hard because Judah so loved Sukkot. Eli and Zehava helped me set up the Sukkah. Judah had tried his hand at making a lamp of blue and white lights with white and blue marbles in it. Rina, Eli and Zehava managed to get it to work. This will be the center piece of our sukkah decorations. Yotan and Havi, Zehava and Eli's kids helped harvest tangerines from a tree I planted last year for Judah. Its a small sapling still, but brings sweet fruit. Its the only actively bearing tree in the garden. The squirrels ate all the apples, and the lemons are still not ready. Its hard to eat green oranges!. My friend the bunny rabbit bounced in front of the house the other day, and Pixie gave chase.

Stay close,

M

Yom Kippur

Judah, I am told by is friends, would call prior to Yom Kippur and ask to be forgiven if he in any way offended or stressed their friendship. This year, his voice is still. His message is clear though, Treasure your friendships and relationships.

As the sun is filtered through the coral tree in the back yard, and casts shadows on the porch I am waiting for Issi and Benji to come home for dinner prior to Kol Nidre. It will be hard to pray, as my prayers last year were not heeded. There were so many prayers, special notes placed in the Kotel, prayer vigils organized by Eli, Tehilim read and organized by Abigail C. daily prayers in synagogues all over the country, and every one's personal prayer in what ever voice they could find. Perhaps all the prayers helped keep him with us a bit longer.

Tomorow's Yiskor service shifts to a memorial prayer for him. Too panful for words.

I am looking out at the garden as I write this and am comforted by the fact, Judah loved the garden, the feel of the wind in the den as it passes over the curtains, he loved to photograph light streaming and bouncing against a flower. I feel his presence and it is calming me.

Blessings to you all,

Martha

Five Weeks

Today marked five weeks since Judah left us. It was hard sitting in Shul without Judah at my side. Benji uses his Talis bag now, this is good. Alissa uses his car and this too is good. I still can't go through Judah's things. Grandpa was here during Rosh Ha Shana and he was comforted by "borrowing " some of Judah shirts. I think he was secretly pleased that he could fit into them!

We all look at items in a personal way. When I came home from the market with lots of plastic bags, Grandpa said, great, now I have bags to put my laundry in, Pixie, looked at the bags, wagged her tail and demanded a walk. When Grandpa foraged in Judah's room for a suitcase, he was glad to have something to transport all his borrowings in. Pixie saw the suitcase and went into a depression. She associates it with people leaving.

When friends have stories of Judah, they hesitate to share it thinking it would be painful to us. When I hear or read these Judah stories I am comforted.

Yom Kippur is soon here, the day will be hard not only for us, but for all of you, his friends, and family. Its hard to say Happy New Year. Nanette Stahl, a childhood friend of my sent me the following greeting that feels most appropriate, I send it to you with love,

"May the old year with all its curses be gone
May the New Year with all its blessing begin"

Sheloshim

Sheloshim, Thirty days since Judah was buried. Four weeks on Saturday. A day before Rosh HaShana.
Alissa, Benji and I will go to Shul to mark the end of the formal mourning period. We can cut our hair, Benji can shave, and we can wear new clothes. We are not required to go to daily minyan for Kaddish. Its a strange transition that feels like it is being imposed upon us. I am not ready to "move on". the loss is too great. Friends and family are supporting us through this period.

Judah loved the holidays, and we are trying our best to make the holyday as we always had. I want to wish you all a Shana Tova U Metukah, a sweet New Year filled with dreams come true .

Love,

The Whites