Friday, September 30, 2005

Suzanne's letter

Judah Daniel White

I had the honor and privilege of working with Judah for almost two years.
It was both exciting an challenging.

We did baffle many individuals at the UCLA Medical Center because these people did not know that we had a 25 year history. We were able to communicate with few words, much eye contact and body language. Our relationship enabled us to push our courage to new levels.
We were involved with 11 protocols. I assigned Judah our two most complicated clinical trials.
Judah would come to work with a gentle smile and his own special routine.

First- he made his "hello" round. He would acknowledge everyone ; letting all know that he was present. With his friendly demeanor, Judah befriended everyone. He knew all the goings-on and he was invited to all the afterwork events whether it was with the cleaning engineers at the local bar; Salsa dancing with the technicians or a patient organized picnic- Judah was involved.
Next in his routine was to sit down and read a protocol. Actually his favorite task was to edit and rewrite our protocols. It took much energy on my part and quite a while to convince Judah that although the protocols did indeed need rewriting; the protocols were approved by the sponsor, FDA and our IRB. Our job was to execute and follow the existing protocol. This is when we fantasized about running a biotech company.

In his unhurried, calm and gentle manner he would finally agree. He asked me several times if I knew how to walk because he said that I ran everywhere!


In 1995, we started a Phase 1 clinical trial with my doing classification "calcimimetics" for treating hyperparathroidism.

UCLA in cooperation with Amgen was eager to start this trial. We had a major meeting at UCLA with Bill Goodman (bone guru) Isidoo Salusky (bone guru) 2 physicians from Amgen and 2 scientist from Amgen, 3 UCLA contract/grants people, Judah and me.

We were reviewing the protocol and various study issues. After 40 minutes into the meeting, Judah decided to speak. One of the Amgen scientist said" Who do you think you are, a lawyer?"
Judah looked at him and said "yes", the room was totally silenced.

This clinical trial was extremely complex and every one was concerned about its main known side effect "hypocalcemia" the drop of calcium levels in the blood.

A complicated machine was acquired so that we could instantaneously obtain calcium levels. Judah was fascinated by the machine and he became an expert in its maintenance , running and interpretation of its results. He became an expert and was needed to help other centers who had problems with this equipment.

Judah was resourceful. I know that he did not like to hunt throughout the hospital for dry-ice. So, he found a friend who would always have dry ice for Judah.

Judah was interested, involved and knowlegeable in everything that we were involved with.

He like precision which worked to his advantage with our equipment and doing ECG's on our patients. Judah took it upon himself to train and retrain our staff so that we all did ECG's with precision.

He enjoyed photography and was proud of his photos being recognized in the gallery exhibit.

Our team remembers one of his hot dates for whom he cooked a Japanese dinner- we only heard about the menu.

Judah did have a sports injury from his baseball team and needed crutches for one week.

Judah introduced several phrases in our lives: "Go figure", "Who would have known", "I'm in control" , I'm in command and "I'm flying".

It was fun for me to surprise Judah. One time when he was unable to come to work, he was shocked that I took care of matters and that I know how to aliquot the lab samples.

His greatest gift to me was to introduce Cindy Chow into our lives. When Judah went to medical school, he sent Cindy to work with us.

We miss Judah terribly and yet we are grateful to have wonderful memories of this beautiful, amazing, fabulous human being.

Suzanne

In our dialysis/nephrology community, Judah was our spiritual leader who in his gentle peaceful way fed us appropriate pearls of Jewish wisdom.

He believed in God. He believed in Miracles.
He proudly represented and taught us the special beauty of Judaism.

I often replay my last conversation with Judah in July. Judah wanted to know about our children; grandchildren, Stuart's latest Italian adventure and Jeremy et al in Ventura.

I asked him what I could do- did he need anything? His last sentence with me was about his mother Martha, He asked me to give her TLC.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Selicot Services

I just returned from Selichot Services at Adat Shalom. This is the temple that all the kids grew up in. We've been members for over thirty years. Long enough to have bought and paid for permanent seats!. Over the years I have acquired many "ghosts", people who no longer are with us but who are present in my memory bank. Mr. Halperin, who fought in the Russian Army as a cavalry officer even though he had never been on a horse, Irving Emmer founder of the synagogue and an ardent Zionist, who could not accept the definition of West Bank. Mr. Hecht who called me Matta, Max Alper. artist, quiet soul who was fighter in the 48 War. These were people who were part of the "village " that raised the children of the congregation. They scolded the kids when they ran around, smiled at them and fed them a cookie at the kiddush table. Judah loved to go to Shul. Of times more for the fun of ducking out of services than sitting in them. Other "ghosts: are my mother, her twin sister Sylvia and her Harry, Anna and her Abe, Judy and our Harry, Bobbie Edis, my mother in law Esther, and father in law Dave, Yankel, Sadie, Dora, Gilbert and Josephine. My mother would say, "you think of the dead more frequently than you do of the living". I did not understand that until losses started to mount up for me. Seymour and Judah are not "Ghosts" yet, for they are still auras around me, near me surrounding me, they still inform every aspect of my being and are part of my daily living. To night at services, I sat with Judah as we did last year year and the year before that. His smile, hand lifting to place his kippah on his head, his unhurried manner all were before me. It was hard to sit though the service this year, the premises of the liturgy did not speak to me, and I was unmoved by the prayers. When I left the moon was like a watermelon slice in the sky, the night getting a bit misty as is common in Cheviot Hills in the evening. As I pulled the car up to the curb pretty much lost in sad and deep thoughts the headlights caught something moving in the bushes in front of the house. Would you believe that a small cotton tail bunny was hoping around in the plants. It made me laugh out loud, think of Judah, and say thank you for small miracles.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Third Shabbat

I am off to a minyan in the neighborhood, but want to wish you all a good Shabbat filled with good memories, love, and of course good food. M.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Dear Friends & Family -

Last night the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society held its annual Light the Night walk on the campus of UCLA. The two mile walk, designed to raise both money and awareness of our ongoing fight against cancer was attended for the first time by Team JW. While the final number is not in, it appears that we raised between $3,000 - $4,000.

While we know that not everyone who wanted to attend the walk could be there, Team JW was well represented. Thank you to everyone who attended, donated or just called in with their support. A special thank you to Deb Kadish and David Nemetz for helping organize the team and to those whose companies had matching funds.

Mike Kaddish

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Two weeks

It is two weeks since Judah left us. I have been searching for words to describe the outpouring of love from all of our family and our friends. Judah touched a great many people in ways that we did not even know about. We all learned about him from your stories, funny tales, and comments. I'd love to hear even more of them. I am still numb and in disbelief that Judah did not make it this time. Daily activities fill the hours, I will return to work, as is Alissa and Benji to school. Tomorrow evening we will join team JW for the walk. With Dave Nemetz's gentle push we have begun preliminary steps to organize a program to enlist more stem cell and bone marrow donors on the national registry. Perhaps one of Judah's legacies will be an increase in the donor registry base so anyone who needs a donor match will have one. We are grateful to his donor, who is unkown to us. This is one of Judah's photos. It brings me pleasure to see it, I hope you will smile, smell the roses and live well.

Monday, September 12, 2005

TeamJW

Light the Night – Team JW
Remember - The walk is this Sunday Night. The registration/festival begins at 5:00, opening ceremonies at 6:30 and the walk at 7:00. It is a 2 mile walk around UCLA campus.

Deb will have a sign that says Team JW to help us find each other. If you can’t find it call Deb at 310.415.9880 or Nemetz at 310.936.4977.

Looking forward to seeing you.

For more info go to: www.lightthenight.org

A week later

Its hard to believe that its a week since we buried Judah Z"L. In his short life he left many legacies as stated by his friends and family. We were comforted by all the wonderful things every one said about Judah. I still don't believe that he no longer is with us as his spirit is here all the time. Its almost as if he is just gone off to another school to get another degree. Perhaps this is the highest degree.

After Shiva yesterday, I planted a few flowers, as I needed some beauty to carry me over the loss. I remember the day when Matt was reported missing in the China Sea due to the tsunami. Judah and I were planting tulips and we prayed and planted. Matt , was safe, Thank G-d, and the tulips grew. I hope that Judah is safe, with his father, Seymour, my mother,Gert, his Grandma Esther and Grandpa Dave, cousin Gilbert is taking him on hikes and all the other beloved aunts and uncles.

Alissa, Benji and I each struggle in our own way. The waves of grief are soothed by the love from every one.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Grandpa's eulogy

Oh Judah, Oh Judah, Beloved Judah
Our grief and heavy hearts will not quickly disappear.

Judah, Judah, our Beloved Judah.

Your illness and suffering will long be remembered.
It has been etched with burning acid in our hearts for all time.


Oh Judah, Oh Judah, Beloved Judah,


The legacy you leave
The love of family and friends
Your charm, Your intellect
Your sweetness of Character
Your piousness
Your Moral and Ethical values have enriched those lives you have touched.


Judah, Judah, Most Beloved Judah
A legacy of love of life

A legacy of love for family and friends

Judah, Judah, Blessed Judah

May the heavens open its doors to you and waiting at the portal is your beloved and esteemed father Seymour who will share an eternity of love and tranquility.
May you be carried there on the wings of angels.


Judah, Judah, My Darling Judah
I would like to recite a song of beauty and sadness

Danny Boy

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be
If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me
I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.


Oh Judah, Oh Judah, Oh Judah
May you rest in Eternal Peace
With my everlasting Love
Grandpa

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Eulogy for Judah, by David

I am honored and humbled to be standing here. I shouldn’t be here. None of us should be here. We should all be together at Judah’s 40th birthday party, his wedding, his child’s bar mitzvah or at any other joyous occasion. I am still hoping that I will wake up from this dream and I will see his face, his smile; hear his laugh, and his voice. I want to call him for medical advise, legal insight, Jewish law, sports strategy, a good laugh or just to see how his day is going. Over the past years Judah has put up quite a fight. Although he became one – through this he never wanted to be a role model, an inspiration or a hero. He never wanted to be associated with a disease. He wanted to be Judah - a club med doctor with a super model wife. Judah touched all of us in different ways. So lets hold hands, hug each other and let our selves be flooded by great memories of the best friend I could ever ask for.

Rabbi Josh's Eulogy

Hey Judah,

I have agonized over this letter to you for days now. And what I realize is that I’m just simply dead inside. I haven’t been able to exhale since you’ve continued on your journey from this world, and I don’t know how to handle that. I wasn’t prepared to loose you. In so many ways, you were a kind of compass for me, and I just can’t get myself straight. It is from the throws of shock that I write you this note.

Reb Shlomo Carlebach used to say that each Jew is a like a Sefer Torah and deserves to be kissed. I would add that each of us is a version of God’s book of teachings to this world, and we would do well to study each other’s Torah, the teachings that we have to convey to the world. In this regard, your life was like a Torah as you’ve left many transformed in your wake, and there is much to learn from you.

My friend, if you ever wondered whether or not you were loved, or mattered to people’s lives, just check the blog! Your impact was unique, profound, and widespread. And the hole that you’re leaving behind… is irreparable. Worst of all, you were robbed, and so the world, as your life was way, way too short.

I’ve known you now for 35 years. That turns out to be longer than virtually everyone in my life, including my own father, since he passed when I was 31. My oldest friend, Judah, you’ve always been more than that to me. You were a kind of brother.

As we traversed the various schools and life experiences together since Nursery, I came to feel safe with you and your family to the point where if I wasn’t in my home, I was surely in yours. I spent five years in Jerusalem, and every year, except for one, I missed having second seder at the White house, a sacred tradition that I hope to create for myself one day. I’ll never forget when I could return the favor and had you over my apartment for Passover in Jerusalem in 2001 while you were in medical school. That year, Jerusalem was home like no other year because you were there. Judah, in school I took you in as a friend, but you brought me home as a brother.

We did a lot of growing up together. In high school, we agonized over our crushes together, contemplated the meaning of life with our friends, and most of all spent many nights at Norms dreaming about what our lives would look like. You were always somewhat stressed out by the question because it was clear that you were in the rare position of having the talent to be able to pursue just about anything you wanted… except for track. We both stank at that. You had deep interests in science, but had a knack for literature. You were good at math, and took positions on political issues. And all the while, you maintained a strong sense of faith, passion for Jewish tradition, loved your family, and had a deep desire to live your life fully. And you were only a teenager. Though that may not have been so unusual for a teenager, you maintained that innocent passion for living into your adulthood and all the way through your ultimate challenge with cancer. You never gave up on a desire to live. That’s all you’ve ever wanted.

You were a dedicated friend. There were a number years there where the deal was if you or I showed up at the other’s window, regardless of what time of night, and uttered the hex, “Norms Run,” the other had to go. In this way, we were a comfort to each other during those dark nights of late adolescence. Even now, the stories are trickling in about the quality of your friendship with people in high school, law school and medical school. You have become somewhat of a legend for no other reason than you were sweet, kind, and sincere. You knew how to be a good friend.

Judah, you were different. You loved sports, and played poker, but you were also an artist. Although you were often tormented by the anxiety of what decisions to make for your life earlier on, you never missed an opportunity to sit in amazement of the nature around you. Most people will travel to various countries with a map, a book, and a camera. You would forget the map, bring many books, a camera, but most importantly a travel set of watercolors and a sketch pad. Simple things would make you happy, but nothing more than a smile from a pretty girl! You loved movies, but somehow we always had opposite interpretations as to whether or not a movie was good. I could always count on you having a peculiar perspective on things that would challenge me to think in wider spaces. You always had something cooking in the back of your mind, and would take people by surprise with your readiness to discuss your intellectual curiosities. In that regard, you were very much your father’s son.

We shared many interests, particularly a love of Judaism. You loved camp Ramah and even Hebrew High. Although I went to a different camp, I understood inherently the intensity of your friendships there, and enjoyed listening to your camp stories. You came alive in camp, and brought that energy back home. As we got older, you were a frequent guest at my Shabbat table, but only if you were not going to be with your family on Forrester. Having you at my apartment was the most natural thing in the world.

You went from college to law school, to studying pre-med at UCLA and ultimately to medical school. You even threatened an MBA and Rabbinical school for good measure. You’ve never changed since you were a child Judah. You just loved it all, and couldn’t wait to learn more.

Judah, you were not only a brother, but you were also my teacher. You taught me how amazing reading could be. You taught me how to have patience. (Especially with you!) You taught me the importance of dedicating oneself to family. You took your family very seriously, even when you felt frustrated with the tumult and constant activity at the White house. You taught me that it should be more about my family than it is about “me.” You cherished your relationship with your father Seymor z”l, who was a role model for you in many ways. You loved your mother. You were dedicated to helping to make her life easier in whatever little ways you could. And you were protective of your siblings. I also recall the ways in which you were in awe of your Grandfather’s artistry. You spent your life developing those parts of yourself you most respected in your own family.

Once, and I’ll never forget this, we were at Israeli dancing one night post college, and you were doing your best at an older dance I had learned years before at camp. As I was leading you through it, you looked up at me and said with clarity, “Josh, you’re a teacher!” That was at the very beginning of my own development that landed me as a Rabbi. Although it was your mom who saw the Rabbi in me years before, your insight and encouragement actually inspired me to take it seriously. I could do that because I trusted you. Many people did.

You taught many how to look at the simple beauty of life. You had a twinkle in your eye, a quiet demeanor, a peculiar sense of humor, and you never quite got how handsome you were. I wish you could have heard how many women confessed to me recently the crushes they had on you… If you only knew then, we might not have had to have so many late night breakfasts at Norms.

Judah, if someone didn’t look at you carefully, they might misunderstand and think that yours is a tragic story of a life interrupted. My own rage against God was voiced in the demand to just let you be the doctor you always wanted to be so you could continue doing God’s work in this world. But then I realize how that might be a misunderstanding of your life. I don’t know that I will ever forgive God for taking you so tragically and so early, but I must acknowledge the gifts and beauty you brought into this world. Yours is a voice I know better than anyone on earth. Now it has been silenced, but your words linger on. And not because you seemed to know more English words than anyone I’ve ever met, but because your words made an imprint on everyone who heard you. More important than the words you spoke were the words you refrained from speaking. You were careful about Lashon Harah, you tried not to speak about others, one of the highest ideals in our tradition. I really don’t know what I’m going to do without you here in the physical. Our nearly nightly conversations, and pre-Shabbat “Good Shnabbes” phone calls sustained me more than I realized. I suppose we will all be lost for a while as we take our first steps on our journey without you as you continue on your newest one beyond this world.

The Mishnah teaches us, “Aseh Lecha Rav, U’kneh L’cha chaver/Make for yourself a teacher and acquire a friend.” Judah, you have been my teacher, but most importantly you have been my friend. We learned much together in this life. To leave a legacy of friendship and to be a model of decency, to have made a difference in other people’s lives is to have lived fully, richly and with meaning. Judah, although your life was tragically short, and although you thirsted to start a family, you lived the way you always wanted, and achieved just about everything you ever dreamed of. We should all have the courage to live the way you did.

There is a song that has special meaning to me and my family, and I realize it could have been written by you in the way you lived your life:
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Goodbye, Judah.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Shabbat Shalom

To all all of Judah's wonderful friends and family, to all of our friends and family(both by birth and by love) Shabbat Shalom. This is the first Shabbat without Judah, think of him when you light candles, say a prayer, kiss your kids, hold your loved ones close, say I love you.

Shabbat Shalom, Peace to all.

Martha

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Eulogy for Dr. Judah White, By Dr. Les Eber

Les asked to have his eulogy posted - on behalf of the medical profession.
___________

I know that have or will hear about Judah as a human being, a son, a friend, a brother, and as a Jewish young man.  I would like talk about Judah as a physician. 
 
Judy and I met the Whites in San Antonio the late summer of 1968 while Seymour and I were defending our country during the Viet Nam War.  It was then that Brooks Air Force Base was forced to provide facilities for Jewish personnel for High Holy Day services.   Among other folks, there was the White family: Seymour, Martha, Judah and Issy.     To put it in perspective, two-year old Judah seemed to know only one word, and that was Omen.  Issy easily fit on my arm stretching all the way from my right hand to my elbow.  Benji was not even on the horizon at the time.
 
When they joined us in LA in 1970 we were thrilled, as we wanted to spend a lot more time with them after that chance meeting in Texas two years earlier.  Our families bonded, and there has not been a major holiday that we have not been together.  So, with Benji, now on the scene, we had truly become a large family.
 
Since Judah was the oldest and the most vocal, I came to know him first.  From the outset, he was a great conversationalist.  He was always curious about what others were doing and seemed to have a genuine love for people.  It is still a mystery to me as to why he initially elected to study law.  I was not surprised when he told his parents that he felt his real love would be in medicine. They were very supportive.   This was not an easy new road for him.  He had to make up some science courses and somehow get himself into medical school.  With the medical legal climate then as now, his law degree was not of much help.  He entered medical school in Israel and was more determined than ever to become a physician. 
 
During his visits home, I had many opportunities to discuss medicine with him.  The first thing I discovered was how far behind I was in basic science and the second was that Judah was a very curious student who knew a lot.  He loved each one of his rotations equally and had difficulty making up his mind where to go within the medical profession.  He had a UCLA rotation in student health and really excelled.  I happen to know the director of this program who shared with Judy and me what a bright and dedicated medical student Judah was.  She stated that he was the best student to come through her department.  This lady does not easily bestow compliments.  Judah loved working with college students and had dreams of continuing this work in the future. 
 
As he progressed through his internship, I realized that Judah was a master at the medical drash.   Just like our biblical scholars, he was always interested in explaining things.  By his own admission, not a basic scientist, he wanted to understand the mechanisms of disease.  Just like our biblical scholars engage in speculation, he would ponder medical scientific problems and often stretch far and wide for explanations of the mechanisms of disease.  Some, frankly, seemed a little far fetched, but all of us know that true discovery requires far fetched hypotheses. 
 
I have never had the pleasure of seeing Judah interview or examine a patient, but I have certainly had the opportunity to hear him talk about them.  It was always with reverence and respect.  He treated all patients in an equal fashion regardless of who they were and their economic status.  Those of you who new Judah well knew that he did not like to get up early in the mornings, but his experience as a house officer seemed to change all of that.  His enthusiasm for medicine prevailed and somehow made it a lot easier for him to get out of bed.
 
I spend many hours talking or rather listening to him about his Hodgkin’s disease.  Judah talked to me, as we shared a common profession, but he never demanded undue attention or even pity.  He never dragged a sole down with him even in what must have been many moments of despair and pain.  He wisely trusted his physicians, but in the end, made critical decisions for his own care.  It was very important to him that he take full responsibility for his body and not rely unduly upon others, even upon his family.  In the end, he displayed the wisdom of a great physician; namely, he was able to utilize the findings of his history, physical examination, and laboratory data to synthesize his own medical problem and come up with a treatment plan.
 
With Judah’s passing, there are many losses but one of the greatest losses is to the medical profession.  It is so sad that there are so many other patients in the world that he could have helped with his skill and compassion.  Wherever his studies would have carried him, he would have excelled. 
Leslie M. Eber

Monday, September 05, 2005

Minyan Services

Please help us raise a minyan for morning services and evening services at 7 am and 7 pm. Men and women are counted equally in our home.


Morning, Shacarit Service
Tuesday, Wed, Thurs, Friday 7 am
Sunday, 8 am

Evening Mincha Maariv Service
Tuesday, Wed, Thurs, 7 pm
Saturday 8:15 pm

Sunday, September 04, 2005

We would like to extend an invitation to all of Judah's friends and family to visit with us at our home. Share your memories with us, and your grief.
Thank you for sending us your contact information as well. Please continue to email us at IVORYTRUST@AOL.COM.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Judah's Funeral Info

Judah passed away at 4:42. His heartline went flat and his color began to change from ruddy to green. Several minutes later a young doctor came in and confirmed his death. The ventilator was removed while Mom spoke to Dr. Forman on the phone. Thelma, his nurse, began to pray over his body. While we don't share her religion, we share her heartfelt sentiments.
Judah's funeral will take place at Mount Sinai Memorial Park in SIMI VALLEY on Monday, September 5th at 11 am. Please note that Mount Sinai has two locations, one in Burbank/Hollywood Hills, and one in Simi Valley (http://www.mountsinaiparks.org)
All of Judah's friends are welcome. We know he touched many lives beyond those we know by name. We hope those who can make it will.
Please send us your name and email addresses. There are so many people we've yet to meet who have been readers of and contributors to the blog. Do not assume that we know your contact info, but do assume that we'd like to.

4:42 AM

He's gone.

Last Looks

We've spent a long and difficult night of waiting. For many hours, Judah's blood pressure dropped and hovered at 45/20. His pulse rate started at 91 bpm and began to drop at a rate of one point per hour. Around 3 am, Judah's blood pressure crashed completely. His heart rate dropped down to the 40's, and the shape of the heartbeats on his monitor changed radically, with the peaks and valleys spreading out into long, jagged lines. Mom was on his left, holding his head, Iss and I were just next to her holding his hand. Uncle Robby and Aunt Marsha were crying at his feet, and Grandpa held Judah's hand on the right. Judah's mouth made a rattling sound, like a marble in a tin cup. Thelma, his nurse, suctioned him right away. Mom was inconsolable.
Moments later, Judah's heart rate seemed to bounce back. His oxygenation seemed to revert back to normal. He looked for all the world like he was giving himself CPR. Judah's heart has not stopped beating yet. Still, the moment has passed. Now we are preparing his belongings to be moved out. We don't know how long he will continue to be "alive" like this, but we will stay here until his heart beats no more.
We cried so hard, and a moment later, we laughed at something silly. Still, the intensity of the moment was piercing. Mom wanted to be alone to grieve over Judah, but there were too many of us there. Too many bodies in her way. Too many voices crying. Too many hands on Judah's body. For the moment, she needed Judah to be hers and hers alone. I think this is something that many of us feel about Judah. He belongs to each of us in a unique way that others would never understand. Still, we cede to Mom, because he is hers, firstly.
Now we wait. We wait for the last embers to die down. Judah is taking his time, lingering for his last looks.

Friday, September 02, 2005

We're still here with Judah. Judah is still here with us.
Grandpa won't let go of Judah's right hand. He has sat there for hours, refusing to move.
We gathered round Judah's bed and sang every Hebrew song we could remember singing from our childhood, including Zum Gali Gali, Ufaratzta, Heneh Mah Tov, Lechah Dodi and finally Shalom Aleichem - Judah's favorite Shabbos song.
We made kiddush.
Grandpa has his own favorite song which he sang to Judah:
"But come you back when summer's in the meadow
or when the valley's hushed with snow
'Tis I'll be there in sunshine and in shadow
Oh Danny boy, Oh Danny boy I love you so."

Silver Bells

silver bells Posted by Picasa



Just sharing a beautiful photo taken by Judah a few months ago.

It breaks my heart to watch Grandpa standing over Judah, stroking his forehead. Judah's eyes have swelled open, giving the illusion that he is watching.
Still, there is something in Judah's face which is new, something blank and flat. Someone used the phrase, "indignity of dying." There is no indignity here. Judah's last hours are spent in the arms of his loved ones.
The time for hoping for a miraculous recovery is over. Now we hope for an easy exit for Judah. It will never be easy for the rest of us.

It's remarkable how Judah keeps hanging on. His oxygenation fell to as low as 78 this morning on 100% O2. Because Judah's passing is imminent, there was discussion as to whether or not to dialyze him today. Dr. Forman is ordering dialysis for Judah only because we've insisted that Judah's wishes to prolong his life be carried out. We've been told that it may buy Judah some time. Perhaps a day.
Right now his oxygenation is up to 88. His blood pressure is holding steady. Rabbi Josh Katzan has been with us all morning, and he read Vidui and the Sh'ma with us.
I believe that every hour more with Judah is worth a lifetime.

We're awake and with Judah now. His oxygenation is very poor, now at 82. Mom is reading prayers at his side, Iss is holding his hand. We read Vidui and we've asked him for forgiveness on behalf of ourselves, and our friends.
We know that soon he will be with Dad.

Things are very precarious. Judah's blood pressure continues to drop, only to be buffeted by increasing doses of medicine. His oxygenation worsens. He is now at 100% oxygen and his pulse ox is only 86. I don't know what happens next.
Mom is sleeping in the chair next to me and Iss is sleeping in the pediatric lounge. I don't want to wake either of them, but if things continue to slip, I will have to.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

The Lowest Expectations

We've had our meeting with Dr. Forman, and he has made it plain that he does not see any room for recovery by Judah. It is impossible to say when Judah may pass, but from his perspective it will occur at any time within the next several days. Apparently, Judah's body is showing typical signs of major failure.
In the meantime, we will continue aggressive treatment as per Judah's wishes. Dr. Forman has assured us that Judah will not and does not feel any pain. I don't want to assume Judah will die, but Dr. Forman said that he has never seen a patient recover from Judah's current position. So we are preparing.

It's not clear how many times the doctors can meet with us and give us "the talk." We've been summoned once again to discuss Judah's condition. To be fair, his numbers in the most vital respects, are getting worse. There is probably a finite limit to how much Judah's body can be supported by the medicines and the machinery and the people that have been helping him. Judah is fast approaching that limit.
Judah has continued to fight the skirmishes and battles that rage on inside. He has managed to bring his infections under control. He has overcome high fevers and low blood pressure. His achille's heel remains his lungs. For over a week, he has been kept on toxic concentrations of oxygen. His nephrologist explained today that the oxygen is producing scarring in his lungs which are preventing proper ventilation which is causing acidosis of the blood which is interfering with the blood pressure medications which are necessary in order to successfully dialyze him. As a result, dialysis is increasingly risky for Judah, and decreasingly helpful in removing the fluids that are accumulating. Additionally, Judah's blood vessels are leaking fluid which causes his skin to bloat. This confluence of phenomena is prompting the doctor/family meeting today.
If, God forbid, we are entering the final stages of Judah's life, everyone should know that Judah has no intention of giving up. He has made it clear that he wishes to battle his way through this illness regardless of the consequences. Even embarking on the stem cell transplant was an act of enormous courage. Judah knew then that the chances of a successfull outcome were very slim, and the potential for suffering through the procedure were very high. Judah has experienced all of the pains imaginable, yet he has chosen to continue. He is still undoubtedly fighting with the same spirit.
We can't control the outcome of all things, but we do choose how we face them. Judah's choices are his alone, and we can find much to celebrate in them. We are still hoping for a miracle, but we are grounded in the painful reality of his condition.

Sept 1, 2005

New month, new hopes.

Judah had a good night. Five AM view out of Judah's window, darkness sprinkled with sequins of light. Yellow white light orbs moving continuously, as each passes out of my view another moves in to take its place. Nurse Cindy, kept him comfortable all night. His blood work is okay, and the rest of his labs have not come in yet. He still requires a high level of oxygen, which is the main focus of concern right now.

His morning bathing is complete now, Judah is washed, he now sports a mustache, the goatee is giving way to more of a full beard, only the stuff on top of his head is slow to sprout. I've been taking a small survey, most of the women like the look, and the guys think Judah would approve!

September is here, signifying a new school year, in a few days the Hebrew month of Elul begins announcing and preparing us for the High Holy Days. I dreamt that Judah sat up in his bed and talked to me, I hope it's a harbinger of things to come.

Boker Tov, Good Morning every one.

M